Jokes

[Namdlo]

"How many are there working at your office ?"

"About one third."

[Namdlo]

"How long have you been working at that office ?"

"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

[Namdlo]

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

[Namdlo]

Its Xmas time... here is a song for you.

12 Days of Christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE

[Namdlo]

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So , what fraction of the day do youwork in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager: - Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir! BR>
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK

[Namdlo]

How well do you listen........


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's
all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped
it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached
Lena .

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[BFG]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The older is nine and the younger is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?.... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

[Namdlo]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together
and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

One dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and
screaming. Over at the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out
the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies...
and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another.'

The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when we pull the thermometer out of his ass'!

[Namdlo]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are
the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humor…

________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on
TV,
how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks(Sweden )?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a
list
of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (
USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe.Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
Is...
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in

Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round?
(Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget
its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is
smaller than the male population? ( Italy )A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Namdlo]

A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, "What would happen if this does not work?"

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, "GUARANTEE NO SPOILT".

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel, but it would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and ask for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, "Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left."

(Chinese characters are read from right to left)

[Namdlo]

Three Arse supporters and three Spurs supporters are travelling by train to a game at the Emirates. At the station, the three Arse supporters each buy a ticket and watch as the three Spurs supporters buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Arse supporters.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Spurs supporters.

They all board the train. The Arse supporters take their respective seats but all three Spurs supporters cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Arse supporters see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Spurs supporters on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Spurs supporters don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Arse.

"Watch and learn," answers a Tottenham lad.

When they board the train the three Arse supporters cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Spurs supporters cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Spurs supporters leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Arse supporters are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Legend]

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an
"Australian treasure!" General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio
recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you got to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all
time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster
and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[BFG]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living
objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

Webpages: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[BFG]

*HOW THE FIGHT STARTED - this is short...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?'

. . . and that's when the fight started .*

[Namdlo]

Quite funny and cute... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp7N47yg ... re=related

Made in Singapore.

[Namdlo]

Latest Blockbuster video!!!
http://you.video.sina.com.cn/b/11403295-1258760847.html

[Namdlo]

A man in a court room was waiting for the judge to complete his written judgement.

While the judge was taking a long time to complete his writing, the man became very
agitated and impatient. And the man started to ask the judge how long more he has to
wait. Each time the judge told him to be quiet and patient. But the man didn't stop
and continued to ask the judge 2 more times.

Finally, the judge became upset and warned the man he would punish him if he says
one more word.

The man didn't even blink an eye and asked the judge, "What for?"

The judge said, "That's it, I now fine you $400. $200 for each word you spoke."

Now the man calm down and took out his wallet. The judge saw the man checking his
wallet and then started to feel bad and regretted his hush decision because he
thought the man was checking if he had enough money to pay the $400 fine.

The judge turned to the man, "Are you worried that you don't have enough money to
pay the $400 fine? I will give you time to pay."

The man put the wallet back into his pocket and said, "your honour, I was just
checking my wallet if I have enough money to tell you another 2 more words."

(You know the 2 more words the man wants to say)

[Morten]

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

...........................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

...........................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

..........................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

...........................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

...........................................................................

How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

...........................................................................

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

...........................................................................

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

...........................................................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

..........................................................................

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

...........................................................................

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.................................. .........................................

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

...........................................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

...........................................................................

'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep

...........................................................................

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

...........................................................................

'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk

...........................................................................

'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours

...........................................................................

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

...........................................................................

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


...........................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

[Legend]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big.......I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill ."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right.........your butt is two inches wider
than our barbecue grill!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He
makes some advances towards
his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big
grill for one lousy little sausage?"

[Morten]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear
charge towards him.



He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even
closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.




At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of
the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And
the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from
thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."_,_._,___

[BFG]

In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was right opposite a church. The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it was burnt to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug after that, till the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

"I don't know how i'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church that doesn't!"

[Morten]

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said: Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.
Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man:I sleep like dog thinking about my work load whole night.

I get up in the morning like a horse

I go to work running like a deer

I work all the day like a donkey

I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.

I wag my tail in front of all my bosses

I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.

I am like a rabbit before my wife

Doctor: are you a Bank Employee?

Man: Yes !!

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you shold have told me in the beginning itself that you are a Bank Employee. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

[BFG]

woman is having an affair during the day while
> her husband is at work .
> >>> Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,
> >>> sees the illegal lovers
> >>> and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
> >>> Then the woman's husband
> >>> unexpectedly comes home.
> >>>
> >>> She hides her lover in the cupboard,
> >>> not realizing that her little boy is in there
> already.
> >>> The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
> >>> The Man says: 'Yes, it is.'
> >>> Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy
> it?'
> >>> Man: 'No, thanks.'
> >>> Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you
> don't buy it!'
> >>> Man: 'OK, how much?'
> >>> Boy: '$1,000.'
> >>>
> >>> A few weeks later it happened again ,
> >>> and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard
> together again.
> >>>
> >>> Boy: 'Dark in here.'
> >>> Man: 'Yes, it is.'
> >>> Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'
> >>> The Man, remembering the last time, asks the
> boy: 'How much?'
> >>> The Boy says:'$5,000.'
> >>> The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.'
> >>> A few days later, the Father says to the boy:
> >>> 'Grab your ball and boots,
> >>> let's go outside and have a game.'
> >>> The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them for $
> 6,000.'
> >>> The Father says: 'That's terrible to overcharge
> your friends like
> >>> that.. $ 6,000 is way more than those two things
> cost.
> >>> I'm going to take you to church
> >>> and make you confess your 'SINS.'
> >>>
> >>> They go to church and the father makes the
> little boy sit in the
> >>> confession booth and he closes the door.
> >>>
> >>> The Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
> >>>
> >>> The Priest says: 'Don't start that again!'
> >>> THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE

[Morten]

Just for laughs below... I am very very blissfully married for the last 8 years... wonderful 8 years...

Subject: The Wife

DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Sam Kinison
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

James Holt McGavran
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

[Morten]

The Indian Chief.
> > ===========> >
> > It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
> > Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian
> > Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and
> > when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to
> > be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
> > winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
> > should collect wood to be prepared.
> >
> > But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
> > went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,'Is
> > the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going
> > to be quite cold indeed,,' the Meteorologist at the weather service
> > responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
&t; > even more wood in order to be prepared.
> >
> > One week later he called the National Weather service again. 'Is it going
> > to be a very cold winter?' he asked.'Yes,' the man at the National Weather
> > Service again replied, 'It's going to be a very cold winter.' The Chief
> > went back to his people again and ordered them to collect every scrap of
> > wood they could find.
> >
> > Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you
> > absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,'
> > the man replied. 'It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest
> > winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked. The weatherman
> > replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.

[BFG]

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replied! , "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

[BFG]

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a PLS GET OUT OF HERE

[Morten]

Remembering Life Before The Computer

1. Memory was something that you lost with age.

2. An application was for employment.

3. A program was a TV show.

4. A cursor used profanity.

5. A keyboard was a piano.

6. A web was a spider's home.

7. A virus was the flu.

8. A CD was a bank account.

9. A hard drive was a long trip on the road.

10. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

11. And if you had a 3 1/2- inch floppy ... you just hoped no one found
out!

[Legend]

Ah Beng was on a motorbike with Ah Lian after a durian shopping trip.

Ah Lian was holding on to 2 big bags of durians when they rode over a hump, Ah Beng heard a loud bang. He asked Ah Lian: "Lewlian wu kalau boh? (durians got dropped or not?)."

Ah Lian shouted: "boh kalau lah!"

So Ah Beng continued with the journey. When they reached home, Ah Beng got down from his motobike and was shocked to see that Ah Lian was not wearing a helmet.

He asked Ah Lian: "Where is your helmet?" Ah Lian was very angry and replied: "Just now I already told you 'boh kalau' (helmet drop)!"

[Legend]

The Malaysian Dilemma - expanded


The cycle of missing goes like this in Malaysia ?

Get Vietnamese workers, dogs missing.
Get Bangladeshi workers, Malay girls missing.
Get Indonesian workers, money missing.
Get Indian workers, jewellery missing.
Get Chinese workers, husbands missing.
Call the police, the evidence goes missing,
Call the lawyers, the judge go missing,
Call the ministry of transport, the reports go missing
Change the government, funds go missing,
Say something and you may be missing.

[Annboy]

Quite good... but warning... vulgarities within.

Titanic in HOKKIEN - SUPER FUNNY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEHS6GhJ ... re=related

[Annboy]

Another one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujH9NjjC ... re=related

and this is still my all time favourite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUxPm_Pe ... re=related

[Annboy]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the Sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want.'


The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take
a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know
how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes, or four, on that bridge?

[Annboy]

More Brain Stuff . . From Cambridge University .

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

[Annboy]

This is very interesting. See how the goal is scored!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6FZ3_-X ... re=related

[Annboy]

Hahaha... who says Singaporeans ain't creative?

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=JoTqR ... ture=email

[Annboy]

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5, 000.

===================================================================

The Chinese replies:

'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'

[Annboy]

> > Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.
> >
> > Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going
> > abroad, you look after yourself.
> >
> > Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so
> > lets spend the week together.
> >
> > Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I
> > have work for a week, so you need not come for class.
> >
> > Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have
> > class 'cos my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.
> >
> > Grandpa (the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am
> > spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.
> >
> > Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we
> > cancelled our trip.
> >
> > Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my
> > wife has cancelled her trip.
> >
> > Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition:
> > This week we will have class as usual.
> >
> > Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week
> > I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
> >
> > Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend
> > that meeting, so make arrangement.

[BFG]

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining PLS GET OUT OF HERE to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius .........

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becos, same like when you dig your
nose with your finger mah !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy PLS GET OUT OF HERE more than men ?

PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose
feel better than your finger, right ?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?

PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the road, den someone come over
and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't play play ah !

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have PLS GET OUT OF HERE when she is having her
menses?

PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow
ah ! Use your brain, use your brainnn ...........

Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are
making love ?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a
glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah.
Correct or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?

PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your brain, use your brainnnnn ............................... you
go and dig your nose in front of your whole class izit ?? Stupid
lah!!

Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.

PCK : Aiyah ....... ,' Best in Singapore , JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world!'
also ah!!!

[Annboy]

This is solid .. LOL... best table tennis game ever seen. But both looked more like exhibition game then competitive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gkxTQGR ... re=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVdlY0L1 ... re=related

[PoHAnn]

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,.
Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wall
Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still
make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an
investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's
right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any
emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar - Jay
Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had
to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last
week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 -
Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is
returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the
bank's

[PoHAnn]

New Stock Market Terms



CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.



CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.


VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.


MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

[Annboy]

Got this one email.

I Need a Job.
I will be available in January 2009, and I am willing to relocate.

RESUME: GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

* I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under
the influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and had my
driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has
been 'lost' and is not available.

MILITARY:

* I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to
take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining
the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in
Vietnam .

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

* I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a
cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

* I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
* I began my career in the oil business in Midland , Texas , in 1975.
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas . The
company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
* I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that
took land using taxpayer money.
* With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas .

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS :

* I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies,
making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure,
Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America
.
* I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of
billions in borrowed money.
* I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American
history.
* With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my
father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the
United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

* I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a
criminal record.

* I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over
one billion dollars per week.
*I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
* I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
* I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any
12-month period.
* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the
U.S. stock market.
* In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs
and that trend continues.
* I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any
administration in U.S. history. My 'poorest millionaire, 'Condoleezza
Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
* I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S.
President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for
receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime
campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay,
presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history,
Enron.
* My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys
to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election
decision.
* I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against
investigation or prosecution.
* More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate
rip-offs in history.
* I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and
refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was
revealed..
* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
* I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts.
* I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any
President in U.S. history.
* I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy
in the history of the United States Government.
* I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.
history.
* I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations
remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
* I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
* I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. 'prisoners of war'
detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
* I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
* I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.
* I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year
period.
* After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the
worst security failure in U.S. history.
* I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade
Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated
country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world
history.
* I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people),
shattering the record for protests against any person in the history
of mankind.
* I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I
did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.
Citizens and the world community.
* I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut
in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
* In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for
attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
* I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans
(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
security.
* I am supporting development of a nuclear 'Tactical Bunker Buster,'
aWMD.
* I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to
justice.


RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's
library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
* All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
view.
* All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President
attended, regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and
unavailable for public review.
* I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50
years.

[Annboy]

Hehehe... Toilet humour (warning R rated)

http://bilgalleri.dk/html/vid_vis.asp?VideoID=22346

[Annboy]

What mom says in 24 hrs? Now condensed in 2 minutes.

Super funny! With subtitles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6P2w5Gk ... re=related

[Annboy]

Oh gosh, he finally did it !

[Annboy]

Learning Hokkien - COURTESY OF IKEA

[Annboy]

Two Months Overdue

In New Delhi, Mr. Sharma comes homes one night,
and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a
month overdue. I think
we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we
find out for sure, we can't tell anybody".

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone
call from DEB (Delhi
Electric Board) because the electricity bill has
not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?

"Yes.....speaking"
DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, maam, it's in our
files!" says the DEB guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your
files....HOW????

"Yes.... we have a system of finding out who's
overdue"

"Oh my Goodness!!!!! This is too much....."
"Madam, I am sorry..... I am following orders. I
have to inform you
are overdue.
I know that.... Let me talk to my husband about
this tonight. He will
speak to your company tomorrow"

That night, she tells her husband about the call,
and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the DEB office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on your file that
my wife is one month overdue? "What business is that of yours?" the
husband shouts.

"Just calm down, "says the lady at the reception
at DEB, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but
to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband
asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a
candle!"

[Annboy]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,discussing how
important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a
priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him "Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace".

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down,
but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your
Eminence".

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, male stripper.

Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh! My God!"

[Annboy]

The Importance of Honesty

ONE DAY, WHEN A SEAMSTRESS WAS SEWING WHILE SITTING CLOSE TO A RIVER,
HER THIMBLE FELL INTO THE RIVER.
WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD APPEARED AND ASKED, "MY DEAR CHILD,
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED THAT HER THIMBLE HAD FALLEN INTO THE WATER AND
THAT SHE NEEDED IT TO HELP HER HUSBAND IN MAKING A LIVING FOR THEIR
FAMILY.
THE LORD DIPPED HIS HAND INTO THE WATER AND PULLED UP A GOLDEN
THIMBLE SET WITH PEARLS. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
THE LORD AGAIN DIPPED INTO THE RIVER. HE HELD OUT A SILVER THIMBLE
RINGED WITH SAPPHIRES. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED AGAIN, THE
SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
THE LORD REACHED DOWN AGAIN AND CAME UP WITH A LEATHER THIMBLE.
"IS THIS Y OUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "YES."
THE LORD WAS PLEASED WITH THE WOMAN'S HONESTY AND GAVE HER ALL THREE
THIMBLES TO KEEP, AND THE SEAMSTRESS WENT HOME HAPPY.
SOME YEARS LATER, THE SEAMSTRESS WAS WALKING WITH HER HUSBAND ALONG THE
RIVERBANK, AND HER HUSBAND FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DISAPPEARED UNDER
THE WATER.
WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD AGAIN APPEARED AND ASKED HER, "WHY ARE YOU

CRYING?"
"OH LORD, MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN INTO THE RIVER!"
THE LORD WENT DOWN INTO THE WATER AN! D CAME U P WITH GEORGE CLOONEY .
"IS THIS YOUR HUSBAND?" THE LORD ASKED.
"YES," CRIED THE SEAMSTRESS.
THE LORD WAS FURIOUS. "YOU LIED! THAT IS AN UNTRUTH!
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "OH, FORGIVE ME, MY LORD. IT IS A
MISUNDERSTANDING. YOU SEE, IF I HAD SAID 'NO' TO GEORGE CLOONEY, YOU
WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH BRAD PITT. THEN IF I SAID 'NO' TO HIM, YOU WOULD
HAVE

COME UP WITH MY HUSBAND. HAD I THEN SAID 'YES,' YOU WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME
ALL THREE.
LORD, I'M NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH AND WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE
OF ALL THREE HUSBANDS, SO THAT'S WHY I SAID 'YES' TO GEORGE CLOONEY."
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON, AND IN THE
BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.
THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT

[Annboy]

This one is a classic.


TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
YOU SELL ONE AND BUY A BULL.
YOUR HERD MULTIPLIES AND THE ECONOMY GROWS.
YOU SELL THEM AND RETIRE ON THE INCOME.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
YOU SELL ONE AND FORCE THE OTHER TO PRODUCE THE MILK OF FOUR COWS.
YOU ARE SURPRISED WHEN THE COW DROPS DEAD.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
YOU GO ON STRIKE BECAUSE YOU WANT THREE COWS.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
YOU REDESIGN THEM SO THEY ARE ONE-TENTH THE SIZE OF AN ORDINARY COW AND
PRODUCE TWENTY TIMES THE MILK.
YOU THEN CREATE CLEVER COW CARTOON IMAGES CALLED 'COWKIMON' AND MARKET
THEM WORLD-WIDE.


A GERMAN CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
YOU RE-ENGINEER THEM SO THEY LIVE FOR 100 YEARS, EAT ONCE A MONTH, AND
MILK THEMSELVES.


A BRITISH CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
BOTH ARE MAD.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
YOU BREAK FOR LUNCH..


A SWISS CORPORATION

YOU HAVE 5,000 COWS AND NONE OF WHICH BELONG TO YOU.
YOU CHARGE OTHERS FOR STORING THEM.


A CHINESE CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
YOU HAVE 300 PEOPLE MILKING THEM..
YOU CLAIM FULL EMPLOYMENT AND HIGH BOVINE PRODUCTIVITY.
YOU HAVE THE NEWSMAN WHO REPORTED ON THE NUMBERS ARRESTED.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
YOU WORSHIP THEM.


A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
YOU SIGNED A 40-YEAR CONTRACT TO SUPPLY MILK AT RM0.06 PER LITRE.
THEN MIDWAY THROUGH, YOU RAISED THE PRICE TO RM0..60 OR YOU CUT THE
SUPPLY.
WHEN THE BUYER AGREES TO THE NEW PRICE, YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND AGAIN AND
NOW WANT RM1.20.
THE BUYER DECIDED YOU CAN KEEP THE MILK AND THEY GO LOOK FOR MILK THAT
COMES FROM RECYCLED COWS OR THE COW URINE INSTEAD.
YOUR TWO COWS RETIRE TOGETHER WITH THE PRIME MINISTER.


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION

YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
ONE COW-PEH AND ONE COW-BU.

[Annboy]

Be kind to women!

[Annboy]

The Mime
-----------------

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly.

The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[Annboy]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Confucious]

heehee
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=344_1235192149

[Annboy]

HOW FIGHTS START


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
---------


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.


My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
---------


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.


"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....


------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have s*ex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

----------------------------------------------------

[Annboy]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago another is fromTennessee and the third is from Minnesota . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[McGeady]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney,
was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide


However,

in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the USOpen, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Don't work. Play golf.

[McGeady]

This is funny. CNBC Gives Financial Advice
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index ... ial-advice

[Annboy]

An Israeli doctor said
''Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks.''

A German doctor said
''That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor said....
"In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, said
''You guys are way behind. Some time ago, we took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the WORLD is looking for work.''

[Annboy]

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.


Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental...


Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.


Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

[Morten]

An professor wrote the words:

A woman without her man is nothing

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

A woman, without her man, is nothing.

All the females in the class wrote:

A woman: without her, man is nothing.

[Annboy]

THE TEACHER & THE BOY


A first grade teacher, Ms Neelam (age 26) was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"

The Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third
grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the
Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test
and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he is to go back to the
first grade and behave.. Ms Neelam agreed. The Boy was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him. The Boy agreed to take the test.

Principal : What is 3 x 3?
Boy : 9
Principal : What is 6 x 6?
Boy : 36


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader
should know. The principal looked at Ms Neelam and told her: "I think the
Boy can go to the third grade." Ms Neelam asked the principal if she can ask
the Boy some of her own questions. Both the
principal and the Boy agreed.

Ms Neelam : What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy : Legs!
Ms Neelam : What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy : Pockets!
Ms Neelam : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains Thin whitish liquid?
Boy : Coconut!
Ms Neelam : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
the Boy was taking charge.

Boy : Bubblegum!
Ms Neelam : What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy : Shake hands
Ms Neelam : Now I will ask some, "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy : Yep!
Ms Neelam : You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy : Tent
Ms Neelam : A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always have me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tensed and took one large Patiala
Vodka peg.

Boy : Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam : I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Boy : Nose
Ms Neelam : I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy : Arrow!
Ms Neelam : What word starts with a "F" and ends in "K" that means lot of
heat and excitement?
Boy : Firetruck!
Ms Neelam : What word starts with a "F" and ends in "K" and if u dont get it
u have to use ur hand?
Boy : Fork!
Ms Neelam : What is it that all men have one, it is longer on some men than
on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after
they're married?
Boy : SURNAME!
Ms Neelam : What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping and is responsible for making love?
Boy : HEART!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:
"Send this Boy to College! I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[Annboy]

Bush & Israeli Mossad

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.

Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.'

[Annboy]

Record I
Patient A: "So how... this book not bad yah?"
Patient B: "Yah agree, excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense, sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art – too many character names to remember!!!"
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you put the telephone book back to the original place?"


Record II
A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm…that's normal...so if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen then?"
Patient: "I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..."


Record III
IMH has an old lady who wears black, carries a black umbrella and squats at the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.
The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her but decided to understand her behavior first.
So, the doctor also wears black and carries a black umbrella; squatted besides her everyday. The days go by...the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single exchange of word. After one solid month, the old lady finally broke the silence and asked the doctor: "Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"


Record IV
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to take a peek. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"
Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the letter, how would I know??"


Record V
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.
After a while, the patient below shouted to the one on top: "Hey! How come you are not coming down yet?"
The patient on top replied: "No. no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"


Record VI
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...How? I think I'm a chicken since the day I was born..."
Doctor: "Wah! That’s very serious...Why do you only come and seek treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."


Record VII
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."
Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but what are you doing here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

[Annboy]

Subject: Marriage.....How it Works !!!!....THIS IS TOO FUNNY






How a marriage works!


A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies



So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'


'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.


'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'


The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'


She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar....you know.....they have frozen glasses...'


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,


'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'


She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'


You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.


'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing, d irty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your fucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'


..........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

[Morten]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

---------------------------------------------

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

---------------------------------------------

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.

'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Annboy]

Subject: Memo to staff from XXX Company Pte Ltd


> To: All Staff,
>
> As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I
> am forced
> to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore
> up our
> beloved company. I know you will understand that the pain is
> temporary
> and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the
> company comes
> through these difficult times stronger... and ready to ride the
> next big
> wave. So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to
> adhere to
> the following:
>
> a. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled.
> Annabelle has already serialised them.
>
> b. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will
> now go to
> Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further -
> up to
> Yong Peng.
>
> c. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as
> the
> management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have
> arranged with
> Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk
> 923, Pasir
> Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and
> you can
> still see Ubin from the window.
>
> d. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a
> 30-min
> demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to
> withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so
> that
> others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it
> when the
> bill comes.
>
> e. The Valentine's Day white chocolates (Deluxeur) which I
> gave out
> in January : Those of you who have yet to open the box, please
> return
> them expiry date: Dec 2009).
>
> f. Monthly Best Employee Award : The $1000 cash award will
> now be
> replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.
>
> g. Annual Best Employee Award : The 14-day
> Disneyland/Hawaii tour
> and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO boxes
> of
> Deluxeur white chocolates.
>
> h. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no
> more be
> on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong
> Hong
> Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring you company pass for a 10%
> discount.
>
> i. Country Club Memberships : Senior executives must return
> their
> membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name
> with
> Bishan Community Centre.
>
> j. Transport Allowance : No reduction of rate! However, it
> will be
> paid on alternate months.
>
> k. Gifts for clients : New choices. The Bohemian Crystal
> list will
> be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.
>
> l. Annual Dinner & Dance : No change (March 20, yay!), but
> the
> venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of
> Annabelle's
> flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.
>
> m. Bonus : This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of
> the
> usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will
> be given
> a Singapore Sweep ticket. The draw is on March 5.
>
>
> From: Chief Financial Officer
>

[Annboy]

This could happen to you.

-------

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

-----------

Cell phones, don't you just love them

[McGeady]

Subject: A Lawyer and a Chinese

A lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get
over on them, easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The
Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and
says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the
Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play
the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance
from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches
in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the
lawyer.

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop
and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails
to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him
$500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The
lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with the Chinese!

[Annboy]

Why I fired my Secretary.


Last Friday was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent..

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day....
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'

She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

'Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied,
and to save time I took off all my clothes
with anticipation

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there......
On the couch...



Naked.

[Annboy]

This is the VIDEO of the year!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqkn1tviGMM

[Annboy]

All mathematically explained.





These theories will win the Physics Nobel Prize in 2009!

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

Therefore,
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,
Human that don't know how to enjoy = Donkey that work
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===

Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money

Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ====

Equation 3

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend

Therefore,
Women - spend = Donkeys

In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====

To Conclude:

From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend.

So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

So, we have?
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude,
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

[Annboy]

Got thsi from email. Author unknow.

Anyway... quite funny.

The Bizarre Behaviour of Singaporeans
- observations made by a German national who has lived in Singapore for 9 years.

44 years of economic and material success have spawned some very strange behaviours among Singaporeans. They spent so much to buy a house or flat, furnished it up like a palace, but spent their time outside, most of the time at work. And the maids are the ones enjoying the million-dollar or multi-million-dollar assets.

Then they pay so much, the highest in the world, for a car only to park at home. Too expensive to drive, too many ERPs and car park charges to pay. And they are encouraged to park their cars at home and take public transport, being cheaper and more convenient.

And when Singaporeans travel, instead of seeing the places, they went shopping. The best part is that they would head for the cheapest bargains, buying stuff that they could get in Chinatown or pasar malam, at even cheaper prices. But they are still happy that they got a bargain.

And while the heartlanders are busy trying to make a life here, being told to bust off if they are not happy, which they could not, the rich and presumably very happy and contented citizens are buying up properties overseas just in case they need to make that escape from this paradise.

While many Singaporeans are thinking of jumping ship, or preparing to jump ship, hoards of new immigrants are rushing in to take their place in this paradise.

And to top it all up, they keep complaining about the govt and all the policies that they found unpalatable, but come every election, they will vote and return the govt to power.

Strange Singaporean behaviour

[Annboy]

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that
he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him.. He asked his son who the
girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from
the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son,
''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The
girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his
father but ended up frustrated because the response was
still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother.
''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that
I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell
you.''

His mother smiling said to him,
''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of
those girls. You're not his son.

=========================================================================

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.


=========================================================================

Top Joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for you.


=========================================================================

Top Joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'

=========================================================================

Top Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

=========================================================================

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.'

[Annboy]

This is hilarious! You must be Asian and from HK, Singapore or Malaysia to
comprehend...ha ha ha!

You might like it. This is hilarious..... even an Englishman could not
construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to the Chinese
from Hong Kong, Malaysians and Singaporeans. A must read with Chinlish in mind.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is
what he came up with.....

================

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I
panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I
fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at
him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called
my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

[Morten]

Pretty good... got from email.

人 啊！
Man, O Man!

沒錢的時候，養豬；
有錢的時候，養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.

沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat at home with wife;
When have money, dine in fine restaurant.

沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.

沒錢的時候,想結婚；
有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.

沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When have money, secretary becomes wife.

沒錢的? r候,假裝有錢；
有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man;
When with money, act like poor man.

人 啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:

說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.

說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.

說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.

過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.

鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.

舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will set their bodies to get famous

人生是什麼?
What is life about?
1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority
10 歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority
30 ? q時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 歲時迷失方向
At nin! ety, knowing directions is top priority
100 歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!

祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!

[Morten]

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up
to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot them." And he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people

[Morten]

Work or pleasure

A U.S. Army general was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the general
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of s e x was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"

A colonel chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A major said it was 50-50%.

An captain responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the general turned to the private first class who
was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it has to be
100%
pleasure."

The general was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.


=====================================================

The Brothel Parrot

Life isn't about how to survive the storm--It's how to dance in the Rain!!

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi Keith'

The room fell silent.

[lemongrass]

Wishes do come true... so what are you wishing for today?

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be £6.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £22.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table...

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Morten]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
[
B]Driver:[/b] Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too .

[Morten]

Subject: : GUESS WHO IS THE SMARTEST OF THEM ALL ? ( Humor )

General Musharraf, Dr Mahathir, Gloria Arroyo & Lee Kuan Yew were sitting in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark for the next 8 seconds.

Suddenly there is a loud kissing sound and then a slap !

The train comes out of the tunnel.

Arroyo and Musharraf are seated across each other, both looking perplexed.

Mahathir, seated across LKY, is bent over holding his face,

which is very red from an apparent big slap.

All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.


Musharraf is thinking : “ These Malaysians are all crazy after Arroyo.

Mahathir must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel.

Very proper that she slapped him ! ”


Arroyo is thinking :
“ Mahathir must have moved to kiss me,

but kissed Musharraf instead and got slapped. ”


Mahathir is thinking : “ Damn it, Musharraf must have tried to kiss Arroyo ;

she thought it was me and slapped me instead. Shit !! ”



Lee Kuan Yew is thinking :

“ If this train goes through one more tunnel,

I could make another kissing sound and slap Mahathir again !! ”

[Morten]

This is HILARIOUS !

1. Watch the advert first here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lx0--U7weeM before you read on.

2. Read the blog here: http://kitchentigress.blogspot.com/2010 ... -cake.html

[Admin]

Very funny ! .... and very Real...

[Morten]

This has to be posted under the Jokes column coz I wouldnt dare label countries in the current challenging times.

Just heard 2 new abbreviations :

1) For Euro problems : PIGS - stands for Portugal, Italy or Iceland, Greece
and Spain

2) For Sovereign risks : STUPID- stands for Spain, Turkey, UK, Portugal,
Italy or Iceland and Dubai

Just for laughs, pls dun quote this website. I got from email.

[Morten]

This gotta be in the jokes column too. The shingsz and boomz queen in a safe PLS GET OUT OF HERE video.

I reserve my comments... haha...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwwh3Th8 ... PL&index=4

[Morten]

Subject: Give the boy a PhD

Wow this is classic............

======================

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having
trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My
sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's
office. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test:

Principal: "What is 3x3?"

Boy: "9"

Principal: "What is 6x6?"

Boy: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought
a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own
questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?

Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?"

Boy: "Pockets"!

Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Boy: Coconut

Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Boy quickly answered..

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The Principal's eyes again
open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?"

Boy: "Yep"

Ms Neelam: "You stick Your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up.. I get wet before you do."

Boy: "Tent"

Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one
large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

Boy: "Nose"

Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver."

Boy: "Arrow"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Boy: "Firetruck"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
& if u don't get it u have to use your hand"

Boy: "Fork"

Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have. It's longer
for some men than on others. The nuns dont need it. The pope doesn't
use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"

Boy: "SURNAME"

Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has
muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making
love?"

Boy: "HEART"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the
teacher:
"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten
questions wrong myself!"

[Morten]

This is VERY funny !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8cDYqmP ... re=related

[Morten]

Very funny ! Real hoax.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuN5u3Ft ... r_embedded

[Morten]

10 rules for men to follow for a happy life.



1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.


9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.

And...

10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

[Morten]

THE SNORER

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up
and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing -hair standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!"He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They
said, "Man, what happened?" He said,

"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted
him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me
all night.

[Morten]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right
behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they
kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

[Morten]

An old prospector shuffled into town?leading an old tired mule.
The old man?headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched
throat.



He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.? As he?stood there,


brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,?a young?gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon


with a gun in one hand and a bottle of?whiskey in the other.


The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,


? ? ? ? ?"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did
dance ...
never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered?as the gunslinger grinned and said,? "Well, you old
fool,
you're gonna dancenow," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector -- not wanting to?get a toe blown off-- started?hopping

around like a flea on a hot skillet.? ?Everybody was laughing.


?When?his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing,


?holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun,


and cocked both hammers.


The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.


?The crowd stopped laughing immediately.


The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly.


The?silence was almost deafening.


The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and


the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.


The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands,


?as he quietly?said, "Son,?have you ever licked a mule's ass?"


The?gunslinger swallowed hard and said,?"No sir ..... but... I've always
wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Morten]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful PLS GET OUT OF HERE appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[Morten]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends
the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids..

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking....

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic
Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love PLS GET OUT OF HERE.

The second floor has wives that love PLS GET OUT OF HERE & have money & like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Morten]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders .

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'



'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Morten]

Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What's a million years to you?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, can I have a penny?
God: Yes, just wait a second.

[Morten]

5 mins advert... very funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e40c7L-b ... r_embedded

[Gallen]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says ' I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. '
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
' Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too ? '

[Morten]

Steve Bridges as "President Barack Obama"
http://www.stevebridges.com/obamavideos ... 10-lg.html