1. Regular naps prevent old age…
especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent;
having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right
and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile
I tried- but they wanted cash.
5. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after
you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don’t feel bad.
A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don’t marry the person you want to live with,
marry the one you cannot live without…
but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
8. You can’t buy love.
But you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get
tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise.
I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first
Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job,
he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue
because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing.
Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say;
fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address
book
Jokes
Moderator:Morten
Re: Jokes
Beggars' Classic from London
Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They
beg in different areas of London .
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder
but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL
of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage-free house and has a lot
of money to spend..
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as
long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a
wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get
£2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign...
It reads:
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '
Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They
beg in different areas of London .
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder
but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL
of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage-free house and has a lot
of money to spend..
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as
long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a
wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get
£2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign...
It reads:
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '
Re: Jokes
DEAF WIFE.....
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing
loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
Dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this).....
"Alan , for the FIFTH time, Its CHICKEN!" ?? !!
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing
loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
Dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this).....
"Alan , for the FIFTH time, Its CHICKEN!" ?? !!
Re: Jokes
The 'Perfect Password'
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he
would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as
he typed:
P...E...N...I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he
would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as
he typed:
P...E...N...I...S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Re: Jokes
WAITING TO ENTER PARADISE
==========================
When everybody on earth had died and were waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to
make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their households, and the other line for the men who
were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to leave and report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created each of you to be the head of your household! You
have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! " Addressing the men in the 100 mile queue, He said,"
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
Next, God turned to the one man: "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
==============================================================================
==========================
When everybody on earth had died and were waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to
make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their households, and the other line for the men who
were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to leave and report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created each of you to be the head of your household! You
have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! " Addressing the men in the 100 mile queue, He said,"
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
Next, God turned to the one man: "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
==============================================================================
Re: Jokes
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I give it up! My eyes have gotten so bad
that, once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my
brother with you, give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety seven, he can't
help!"
"He may be ninety seven," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So
the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He shakes
his head, turns to the brother-in-law, and says "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, " I have perfect eyesight!"
"Good!" exclaims Arthur, "Where did it go?"
"I don't remember."
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I give it up! My eyes have gotten so bad
that, once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my
brother with you, give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety seven, he can't
help!"
"He may be ninety seven," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So
the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He shakes
his head, turns to the brother-in-law, and says "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, " I have perfect eyesight!"
"Good!" exclaims Arthur, "Where did it go?"
"I don't remember."
This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.
My friend, who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received in his career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee, at their bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2010. He says when the lady, was questioned on why she remained absent the previous day, she simply replied .......
" But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra ! Now how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid ? "
" But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra ! Now how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid ? "
Re: Jokes
1. Understanding Engineers
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
2. Understanding Engineers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
3. Understanding Engineers
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
4. Understanding Engineers
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No,
actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
5. Understanding Engineers
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket..
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
2. Understanding Engineers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
3. Understanding Engineers
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
4. Understanding Engineers
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No,
actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
5. Understanding Engineers
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket..
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Re: Jokes
> =================================
> Ah Beng buys a new mobile.
> He sends a message to everyone in his Phone Book & says,
> 'My Mobile number has changed.
> Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng : I am proud coz my son is in Medical College .
> Friend: Really, what is he studying?
> Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
> Dr: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
> Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
> Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
> Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
> Wife: How do you know??
> Ah Beng : When I went to the park today, everybody said,
> Oh GOD! U have come again.
>
> =============================
>
> Ah Beng reports to police: 'Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.'
> Police: 'Why the thief did not take TV?'
> Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
> He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'
>
> ============================
>
> How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
> He is the one who erases his notes from the book when the teacher
> erases the board.
>
> =============================
>
> Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on the other.
> So a man asks him why. He replied that the weather forecast says that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it
> might be hot.
>
> ============================
>
> Ah Beng goes to the cinema alone and returns later with 17 other friends.
> He had read a sign which said "Under 18 not allowed"
>
> ======================================
>
> Ah Beng was sititng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
> He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I am here?'
>
> ============================
>
> Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
> Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
> Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
>
> ============================
>
> Ah Beng always sit on the lower level of double decker buses.
> When asked why so, he says upstairs no driver.
>
> ============================
>
> Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
> Servant: 'It's already raining.'
> Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella.'
>
> Ah Beng buys a new mobile.
> He sends a message to everyone in his Phone Book & says,
> 'My Mobile number has changed.
> Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng : I am proud coz my son is in Medical College .
> Friend: Really, what is he studying?
> Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
> Dr: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
> Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
> Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
> Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
> Wife: How do you know??
> Ah Beng : When I went to the park today, everybody said,
> Oh GOD! U have come again.
>
> =============================
>
> Ah Beng reports to police: 'Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.'
> Police: 'Why the thief did not take TV?'
> Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
>
> ==============================
>
> Ah Beng comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
> He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'
>
> ============================
>
> How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
> He is the one who erases his notes from the book when the teacher
> erases the board.
>
> =============================
>
> Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on the other.
> So a man asks him why. He replied that the weather forecast says that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it
> might be hot.
>
> ============================
>
> Ah Beng goes to the cinema alone and returns later with 17 other friends.
> He had read a sign which said "Under 18 not allowed"
>
> ======================================
>
> Ah Beng was sititng in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
> He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I am here?'
>
> ============================
>
> Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
> Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
> Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
>
> ============================
>
> Ah Beng always sit on the lower level of double decker buses.
> When asked why so, he says upstairs no driver.
>
> ============================
>
> Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
> Servant: 'It's already raining.'
> Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella.'
>